Reflection on choices at 40

40 hit me like a freight train.

As it approached and for many months afterwards it felt like my life was undergoing an entire tear down and rebuild like a car engine. I questioned everything in my life all while not wanting to let on to anyone. I am a capable, sensible person and I certainly wasn't prepared to entertain the thought that I was teetering on the edge of a midlife crisis.

Still the questions persisted: Had I wasted my early career in a role that was less than I was capable of? Was I married to the right person? Should I have had more kids? Was I giving my kids the life they deserved? Should I have worked more? Was I happy?

This self-reflection was uncomfortable. I couldn't quite make sense of why I was subjecting myself to it. Just a few months earlier I'd been very content.

Recently I heard about the Overview Effect. It's a congnitive shift that astronauts experience when they view the Earth from space and gain a broader perspective of the human experience. It's like a bird's eye view but a satellite's eye view. The astronaut's previous paradigms and priorities are questioned and many abandoned. What is the point of countries? Individuality? Does life have meaning? What is time? When speaking about the Overview Effect astronauts express gratitude for improved clarity and meaning it provides for their return to life on Earth.

I realised that this was what I had experienced at age 40. I'd almost had an out of body experience and re-examined my life from a bird's eye view across my life to date. I realised that like the astronauts I was better for the experience and for the way it shifted my paradigms and priorities. I didn't change anything but I better understood my motivations and I "re-chose" things with intent and clarity.

I reflect with gratitude, despite the discomfort.